SOUL SEARCHER
On starting a blog:
Morgan: “Alright let’s do this. Wait, do you know how to do this?”
“So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”
― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson
And so we begin:
Well this is us , Morgan and Daphna. Best pals and confidantes since the 10th grade, lovers of Home Alone 1 and 2, passionate movie score buffs, not to mention the owners of two cute pups. We also love who we are.
(Daphna: "She wouldn’t let me hug her, so then I hugged her.")
Okay. Okay. We know what you're thinking. Who are these two, recently graduated lunatics blogging about the sentiments of life? How could they possibly know what living should mean at 22? Well we like to think its pretty simple: In trying to comprehend the confusion and struggles of our lives, we found hope in the important things. We started seeing patterns of placing priority on the wrong values, of building walls to hide yourself, of not helping each other. We’re all humans, we all feel; we need each other more than we ever like to admit. This blog is about accepting and embracing all of these truths, about allowing yourself to live in the moment, to feel love and know it’s the only thing that truly matters.
That being said, we're not writing this with the intention of telling you how to live. We are two, twenty-something year old women who don’t claim to know anything but the truths we have learned through our own experiences and research. Our only hope is that you read this blog with a sense of purpose and the knowledge that you are not alone in whatever you feel.
The Magic of Being Yourself
“Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.”- Oscar Wilde
What makes up a human being? How do we define who we are? We all have a body to live in, a brain to think with, a heart to keep us alive. Our physical being is easy to distinguish. We all can visually see a person and make a basic judgement about who we think they are. That’s easy. That’s ordinary. That’s lazy.
In today’s complicated world it’s difficult for many people to feel comfortable being themselves. The internet has provided us with wondrous interconnectivity, but with such greatness comes unfortunate consequences. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Vine --- a definition of who we are and at the same time an illusion concealing reality. The ease of filtering pictures to better portray yourself, proclaiming self-identification with a status or two, emulating a celebrity because you follow them on every form of social media.
The truth is you’re not any of those things. In actuality you are exactly who you are, where you are right now. This can be a terrifying thought for some: “If people know who I really am they might not like me.” Well we’re going to let you know right now, in all of our experience the cyber individual you are trying to be is not half as cool as the person you truly are.
For us there are few things more cherished than an authentic eccentric. They stick out like a blazing fire, radiate individuality. People are drawn to them because they don’t need a definition or a standard, they just want to be happy. So don’t be afraid. We guarantee people will still love you. Heck they will probably love you tenfold. We know we will.
PERSONALITY
One of our favorite hobbies in the last few years has been personality typing. According to the Myers-Briggs model there are 16 personality types made up of 4 pairs of opposing preferences.
Favorite world:
Do you prefer to focus on the outer world or on your own inner world? This is called Extraversion (E) or Introversion (I).
Information:
Do you prefer to focus on the basic information you take in or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning? This is called
Sensing (S) or Intuition (N).
Decisions:
When making decisions, do you prefer to first look at logic and consistency or first look at the people and special circumstances? This is called Thinking (T) or Feeling (F).
Structure:
In dealing with the outside world, do you prefer to get things decided or do you prefer to stay open to new information and options? This is called Judging (J) or Perceiving (P).
We know what some of you skeptics will say: “Don’t put me in a box. I’m unique. I can’t be typed.” Don’t get us wrong. You are without a doubt still one of a kind. Every single person, even if they have the same four letters, does not fall on the exact same percentage of the spectrum. What’s important to understand is that this identification doesn’t define you, but rather acts as a priceless, empathetic tool in order to better understand yourself and those around you.
Morgan: “I remember when I first learned that I was an INTJ. It was like someone climbed into my brain and finally understood me. I was shocked with the accuracy of the profile for an INTJ to myself.”
Daphna: “It really is a relief to know there are reasons for things. As an ENFJ I without a doubt deal with situations on a feelings first basis. I just have to.”
Morgan: “The biggest thing was things that I used to feel like a freak about, I immediately could attribute to my personality. And better yet, I felt a greater sense of belonging because I quickly realized there are other INTJ’s out there that I can relate to.”
Daphna: “I feel like you border between a T and an F. You’re analytical, but you also have a wise sense of counsel and understanding.”
Morgan: "Well thank you!"
What’s brilliant about personality typing is the ability to finally understand why people in your life behave in certain ways. Ever wondered why Amanda worries so much ahead of time about finding a parking spot? Why does it take Matt a week to respond to a text message? Basically, WTF is going on and why can’t I change it? It may just be our first interaction, a new romantic relationship, or a longstanding friendship, but these discrepancies in how we think and feel can hinder relationships from engaging in effective, interpersonal communication.
Daphna: “The P’s, man.”
Morgan: “For all you P’s out there, we love you, but you drive us crazy. As J’s, we like to know that when we make plans with you, that actually means we’ll get to hang out with you!”
Daphna: “And then as an N I start to interpret why the plans didn’t work out and my Feelings meter goes off. It’s kind of a mess.”
Morgan: “--And they have no clue why we’re so upset because they’re just living in the moment.”
Daphna: “And the beat goes on…”
We might be giving the P's some grief, but in truth no type is better than another. Although we might want to strangle them, we hold out for the Perceivers because their fun loving, spontaneous energy makes the moments we spend together well worth the wait. That’s the beauty of it. Each personality type carries its own own strengths and weaknesses. What’s important to remember is that when the types work together, nothing is unachievable.
If you have not taken the MBTI, we highly recommend you do. You can take it for free at www.humanmetrics.com and click on Jung Typology Test.
Gratitude
by Daphna Shull
Knowing Who I Am
A sense of certain conviction has always been within me. It’s not something easily described, a fantastical intuition that sits in my gut, touches on aspects of life that bring me pure joy, honest pain, and closer to figuring out what my life means in the theory of everything. A humbling sensation of gratitude washes over me when I think about this. To be aware of what I feel, what those feelings mean introspectively, and how I can create more meaningful moments and relationships that remind me I’m alive: A light in the dark; a smile that awakens the soul. A gift.
This is not to say I don’t experience self-consciousness or self doubt because I certainly have in the past and will in the future. No one can be 100% confident in everything they do (and if they say they are, they’re lying). Deep within me I fear this intense conviction I possess scares people away from loving me. I’ve had to learn the hard way that just because you feel something doesn’t mean you can create the outcome of the story. But with each uncontrollable step I’ve taken, whether forwards, backwards, or sideways, I don’t regret any of the decisions that have built who I am. We have to be nervous, vulnerable, overwhelmed, intimidated. How else are we going to learn anything?
The Friends Who Have Supported Me
As the years pass by its as if this weird bubble of comfortability slowly loses its elasticity. In high school you are guaranteed to spend nearly every day with your friends without any planning or effort. Some of these relationships only exist because of this ease, but that’s kind of the beauty of it all. You live in the moment without the stress of feeling disappointed by people. Transitioning to college, a new set of friendships form and school breaks typically promised hardy laughs and rehashing of embarrassing memories with hometown friends. It wasn’t always as simple but you knew anyway you turned a friend was right there to pick you back up.
AND THEN, *drums crash onto the floor*--- the bubble pretty much explodes. College literally kicks your ass out the door, friends from all points in your life move to various cities, and you look around thinking, “Wait, I’m sorry. What is happening? Five minutes ago we were taking shots out of a flask in the bathroom.” It’s confusing, surreal, and at the same time very much a reality. Life will never be the same again and if you want to maintain a friendship someone you have to make a very large effort to keep people in your life.
Over Thanksgiving I had the amazing opportunity to visit a great friend from high school who lives across the country from me. We only had a few hours to spend together, but in that time we shared our honest feelings about being an “adult” and the pitfalls of waning friendships we thought would last. A clear anticipation of the future loomed within us. “Honestly, what are we doing? When is it time to let go of things? Who’s going to be there with us in 10 years?” Obviously these questions are a mystery and as much probing as we like to do, no answers will appear until the time comes. For the last hour we sat on her bed, listened to the new Taylor Swift album, stalked people (including ourselves…) on Facebook, watched an episode of The Office, and laughed. Nine years later, a world of experiences, and there were doing what we’d always done. It was true friendship and it was beautiful.
Having a Positive Outlet
Although we would prefer, life is not always series of interpretive dances and frolicking through prairies with "Wake Me Up Before you Go Go" playing in the background. Neither is it the most amazing romantic, Christmas dramedy ever, “Love Actually.” No one has yet to show up at my door holding a series of poster boards, so if that's happened to you just stop reading this.
Most days we oscillate between an array of emotions: Feeling leveled, a little frustrated, upbeat, very sad, bored, maybe okay?, probably not okay, back to convincing yourself you’re okay, bored, okay, on the verge of tears. We try to maintain composure but in reality we are exhausted from just having to live within our own head.
What’s the solution to the stress? Cry? If you need to. Bear through it? Yes. Become hot headed and hate everything? Probably not. Reinforcing negative energy isn’t going to change the fact that emotions are a part of life, nor is that type of mentality going to make anything better. What really becomes effective is harnessing your feelings and intentions into something worthwhile. A project you value, an art form, a good cause. You don’t have to be the best at whatever the outlet may be. What’s important is to let it free you, if even slightly, from the burdens that weigh on your shoulders.
Over two years ago I discovered screenwriting helped me express myself in a way nothing had ever before. As a person who loves the intricacy of human nature, being able to create my own stories where the characters interact based off their history and idiocincracies has been nothing more than a dream. Writing helps me cope and for that I am extremely grateful.
My 23rd Birthday
Gratitude
By Morgan Parker
Running
Sometimes I take for granted my ability to run. Working in a hospital quickly makes my sense of gratitude rise to the surface, especially when I see patients in wheelchairs. I get that sick feeling in my gut that not everyone is as fortunate as I am and that I need to appreciate this simple fact of life.
Reading
Where would I be without books? Stuck in one place I guess, instead of being able to travel in time and space as much as I want to.
Friends/Family
Running and reading are amazing, but nothing compares to humans. I'm so grateful for all the unique, intriguing, fun friends I have that ensure life is never boring.
Music
I am grateful for the infinite amount of music that is available to us in the 21st century with the help of spotify, soundcloud, pandora, 8tracks, and the internet in general. Everyday I can listen to a song I have never heard before. It’s wonderful.
Gap Year
For my year of having fun and not being in school. Life is great.
I am so content with where I am in life right now and can focus on living in the moment.
Must Read Books
Friendship
How to be a good friend – and realizing it’s really very simple.
The original Christopher Robbin and Winnie the Poo
“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.”
~ Muhammad Ali
My friends in high school and college always asked me for relationship advice regarding their significant others. At times I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony: me, who had zero dating experience, the main source of wisdom and empathy for all their confusion, frustration, and mistrust that comes with loving another human being. How could this possibly be the case? Well I like to think of it this way. I have spent my whole life with friends, making mud slides, writing notes back and forth about the funny moment that happened in 5th period or the rough arguments we have with our parents; hours have been spent making plans, baking decent enough cookies, sharing liked music and just sitting on beds talking about life and all its inconsistencies. Since friendships first began in my life, my time has been spent maintaining important bonds with people with whom I have mutual respect, people I know will be there for me no matter what the circumstance.
I think what’s often forgotten is that friendship is a relationship. The ups, the downs, the bickering fights that leave you upset and the honest moments of admiration and true acceptance that keep our souls sane. It’s true: you may not be kissing your friend, but many times I can imagine you might be holding their hand (figuratively or metaphorically) because without them life wouldn’t have the same meaning. Relationships with friends should be approached with the same principles and dedication we apply to romantic relationships. Without a doubt they are equally as important in our lives.
Members of The Rat Pack
Key Facts for Being a Good Friend
(In no particular order)
1. Be dependable. If you make plans stick to them. Don’t ditch one friend for another just because the opportunity seems more fun than the first. It may suck, but it means so much more to maintain an important friendship than to have instant gratification.
2. Do little things to show that you care. It doesn’t have to be all the time. Just every once in a while.
3. Listen to them when they need you and really be present. Don’t glance at your phone or rush them. Look them in the eyes. You don’t have to be the best at advice or even give advice if they don’t need it. Just the fact that you’re there helps them get through.
4. Don’t ignore a problem with a friend. If they did something to upset you then talk about it with them. Life’s too short to waste on silence.
5. Know that everybody is going through something, so sometimes you may just need to give them space until they’re ready to talk.
6. Don’t be the friend who makes their significant other their only priority. Your friends have been there with you through everything, the people you could call at 3 in the morning if you couldn’t get a ride home, the people you could always turn to when life was rough. They are your family. Don’t lose yourself in a relationship that could jeopardize friendships that will be most important to you in the future.
7. Believe in your friends so they never stop believing in themselves. Push each other, live to be happy, dream and succeed.
8. You can’t spend all of your time with one person, that be your significant other or a friend. Even if you love them, eventually the little things will start nagging you. Take a break; spend some time alone or with other people. When you get back together with your friend the moments will be fresher and more meaningful.
9. Friendships change. That’s just part of life’s never ending cycle. If a friend fades from your life remember what you learned them and the lessons you gained when they were in your life. Every person has impacted you in some way.
10. Have a hell of a good time. If watching TV on the couch is your thing or going out to the bars, make sure you laugh your ass off and absorb the precious moments you have together.
Morrie Schwartz and Mitch Albom, author of Tuesday’s with Morrie
The Caring Game
(The Downfall of Modern Day Friendships)
You know this game. Everyone knows this game. It’s the 21st century pastime! Forget baseball. Who needs that when you can take out your phone and text your good friend to try to make plans?
The Caring Game: A Play
(Alrighhtt! Here we gooo. Gonna hang out with Melinda this week. Gonna watch a movie. Gonna laugh about stupid stuff. This is gonna be great!)
You text Melinda. One day goes by without a response.
(Ummm...okay...this is 2015. I know you have your phone on you…so...)
Two days later.
Melinda: Hey! So sorry I can’t hang out this week.
You: (Gonna propose another time then? Or…) “Okay. How about next week?”
Melinda: Not sure yet. Maybe!
(I can’t handle this)
You give up trying to make plans.
A day later she posts a picture of a coffee mug on instagram.
(Ahh yes. A coffee mug. Her week seems packed).
Two weeks later, the twinge of longing to reunite hits your friend.
She writes on your Wall: “Misss youu. When can we hang out?”
You cringe with resentment and chuck your phone against the wall!
(If you missed me then why didn’t you try and make new plans two weeks ago!)
You respond: “I don’t yet. I’ll have to let you know.”
You refuse to text her for two weeks since that’s how long she waited to contact you. Now your friend assumes you don’t really want to hang out with her and doesn’t reach out again.
And the cycle continues...
What. a. technological. disaster. Who invented this sick, twisted, interpersonal mayhem?!
(The cellphone slowly raises it’s hand): Yes. I overstimulate people’s brains. If instant gratification was an issue before, then umm..yikes. Yeah. I really fucked that up. Sorry.
Don’t cry too hard cellphone, it’s not all you. The Caring Game has always existed based upon an unequal distribution of caring in a friendship. Two people. Two ways of functioning. It's just that smartphones, social media and texting have only enhanced this subliminal warfare. Let’s put it into perspective. In 1800, you didn’t wait for the phone to ring, you just walked your little butt over to your friends place to see if they wanted to play. In 1985, you left a voicemail and expected to receive a call back within a day or two. Not 20 minutes later. You planned in advance, elongated the timeline, had innate, lower expectations. But you also craved in person contact because the real world didn’t exist as anything but a tactile experience. In this new and chaotic cyber universe people publish their lives online for the world to see, filling up their social void with fake connectivity. So now when people try to make plans, it’s as if the one who cares less doesn’t NEED the relationship as much and becomes confused as to why his/her lackluster attempts to maintain the relationship aren’t enough. “But I TEXTED you once last week.” “I wrote on your wall a month ago and you never responded, so I assumed you didn’t care.” “Yeah I disappeared for a month, but I sent you a facebook sticker.” News Flash: Friendships take work! They need to be met half way, in real life, or else the relationship suffers beneath the imbalanced weight and slowly and silently kills the friendship.
We’re not saying the fault is all on the person who cares less. If you’re the person who cares more and still indulges in the game, you too have lost. It is our egos shouting that someone has done us an injustice and that we need to care less than them. And since they took three hours to text us back, then they must not care. The best thing to do is never join the game in the first place. The second you feel it starting up just pause. Stop and think if this misery is really something you want to be apart of. Realizing your role in the problem is the first step to leading yourself in a healthier direction.
“If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.”
—W. H. Auden, “The More Loving One”
Unfortunately there’s no one grand solution to cease the game and balance the relationship. You may just have to accept the realization that you care on a stronger level and appreciate yourself for all the love you are capable of providing. Instead of becoming frustrated realize love is expressed in so many different ways by different people that it is impossible to quantify and measure it. Trying to calculate who cares and loves someone more is simply silly. Just love as much as you can. You might lose some battles, but you will win the war.
Boo Radley and Scout Finch
To Kill a Mockingbird
“How many slams in an old screen door? Depends how loud you shut it. How many slices in a bread? Depends how thin you cut it. How much good inside a day? Depends how good you live 'em. How much love inside a friend? Depends how much you give 'em.”
~ Shel Silverstein
“There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.”
~ J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
“When you have a good friend that really cares for you and tries to stick in there with you, you treat them like nothing. Learn to be a good friend because one day you're gonna look up and say I lost a good friend. Learn how to be respectful to your friends, don't just start arguments with them and don't tell them the reason, always remember your friends will be there quicker than your family. Learn to remember you got great friends, don't forget that and they will always care for you no matter what. Always remember to smile and look up at what you got in life.”
~Marilyn Monroe
“All the people we have met and all the people we have yet to meet are meant to exist so we can find them, so we both could exchange a set of directions which will guide us to the next place we are meant to go. And as we go we must always believe that maybe this could be our last stop. That maybe the next person we meet will not have a set of directions. That maybe they will have more and that maybe they will offer us something beautiful enough to inspire us to stay.”
~R.M. Drake
SELF-MOTIVATION
HEARTBREAK
WHY
MAKES YOU A HERO
Why do we obsess over love with such ferocity? Why has love been ingrained in music, literature, poetry, theater, and art since the beginning of human existence? Well, after experiencing the uncontrollable joy of finding the entire universe hidden within a smile, it’s my belief that love is the very reason why we’re here and yet it will never have a categorical definition.
When we fall in love an odd sense of entitlement occurs deep within us: “No one could possibly have experienced the love I feel.” The words of Romeo and Juliet transcend the page and The Notebook satisfies our romantic fantasies, but nothing will ever compare to the extremity of our own emotions. Thus, the world’s biggest paradox lives on and on: love, something deemed so universal can only be understood on a deeply personal level.
Vulnerability is Beautiful and Courageous
When I tell my friends the things I’ve done for love, they think I’m literally insane: “You can’t just show up unexpectedly,” my best friend gasps. My roommates horrified expression stares back, “I’m sorry…how many letters have you sent?”
Now here’s what’s truly insane. In any other situation I’m a level-headed individual, slightly impulsive but always rationalizing the consequences of my actions. Feel, but think. Weigh the pros versus cons. But give me that one person and say goodbye to any objective logic. My heart and brain instantly reverse positions, the valves firing synapses while the lobes function involuntarily. Yes. My soul wrenched me four miles, 10 feet, and two steps up to her door for the third time. Yup, sent another letter with a poem about coffee and razor scooters because it was hilarious and I knew she would get a kick out of it.
Trust me. I understand those people in my life who are just trying to protect me. My actions do seem crazy. It is socially abnormal to not make plans before going to someone’s house. But my God, you know what? It’s also unequivocally real and tremendously honest to believe in love so deeply. Happiness is a state of mind, that’s true. But love doesn’t follow the rules. When you fall in love happiness suddenly exists within another person’s walk, the way they phrase their sentences, the small smirk that spreads across their face when they’ve made you laugh. You have no control over how you feel and courageously pursuing emotions that lie within another's hands opens you up to the most terrifying vulnerability, to offer your soul with the potential of being rejected by the one person you need the most.
There you are standing outside his/her door, heart racing, hand hovering in a fist about to knock with only one thought running through your head: “I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know if I don’t try I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”
Rejection has no one set delivery. Circumstance, timing, personality, and a myriad of other factors contribute to the reasoning behind a candid, “I don’t love you,” or an ambiguous string of sentences that leave you even more bewildered than before. They wait for you to say something, but an enormous lump forms in your throat and it’s as if your entire vocabulary vanishes from your memory. You can’t think. You can’t breathe. Your heart beats out of your chest and you know you know must be dying. And part of you is.
Departing is like a surreal, brisk dream. Maybe you’re crying, maybe the true realization hasn’t hit you yet, but an undeniable shift occurs that will forever alter your perspective on the world. Right then and there you have hit one of the most excruciatingly low points of your life. You have consciously experienced wholehearted love and are now forced with the unfathomable task of easing yourself out of this aching, emotional deprivation.
One of the most controversial aspects of heartbreak is knowing what you “deserve.” You’ll hear it from everyone: “You deserve more” “They’re not good enough for you.” “You’ll find someone better.” And you’ll sit and listen and listen and listen, knowing objectively their opinions of deserve are sound. I unquestionably deserve someone who can meet me half way. I deserve to be treated with respect and care. I deserve a reliable, honest relationship. But when we shift our perspective, looking at deserve from the esoteric lens, you know what you also deserve? You deserve to feel love’s transcendence everyday for the rest of your life. You deserve the miracle of having a stranger bring out the most authentic version of yourself. You deserve to sit in complete silence with another person and be innately and magically comfortable. This belief that uninhibitedly pursuing love deems you reckless completely overlooks the fact that falling in love is a gift, so sought after, but rarely found. If you don’t fight for ephemeral, the unexplainable and know these unparalleled feelings happen for a reason, then you just might miss the most incredible aspect of living. To me, fighting for love with tremendous strength, demanding not just a step above settling, but the most out of life takes the utmost bravery. To me, you are nothing less than a hero.
Mature Love Exists
Spike Jonze - Her
“I suspect the most we can hope for, and it's no small hope, is that we never give up, that we never stop giving ourselves permission to try to love and receive love.”
~ Elizabeth Strout - Abide with Me
Moving forward takes an immense amount of faith and bravery. You ask yourself repeatedly, “Will I ever find this feeling again?” The honest truth, I don’t know. No one can give you that answer. All I can say is that finding mature, compassionate, mutual love isn’t over unless you give up on its existence. You are the master of your own mind, your own heart. The love that you found was beautiful and rare, but you can’t spend your whole life living in the past. You must find someone who wants to create a healthy relationship, who can’t wait to show you off to the world because without you a light illuminating something magnificent would die. Because fighting for you is worth everything. The world is full of beautiful things, beautiful people, beautiful life. So please. Never stop being brave, daring, and crazy in love, because you deserve nothing less.
And lastly, remember this: souls run on strings with unspoken directionality. Live your life with purpose and compassion and there is no doubt you will collide into unbelievable, unconditional love and happiness.
Heartbreak Heroe’s 4EVER.